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[26 Dec 2003|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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drunk and tired (just b/p'd) |
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music |
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"my december" - linkin park |
] |
don't want this anymore....
....don't want to just b/p while saying "no! stop! GAH!"
......sick of it.. fucking let me go, bulimia! I don't need this shit anymore...
I just want to be anything other than what I am..... I just want to be.....
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[26 Dec 2003|08:08pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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"putting the damage on" - tori amos |
] |
Some mornings, after I drag myself from bed, I'll find myself in the kitchen fiddling with the coffee maker. As I sleepily fumble with the filter and the grounds--usually spilling a good amount on the floor--I'll realize that I have, in fact, gotten up. "What did you do that for?" I'll ask myself, annoyed. "Do you really think it makes a difference?"
Of course it doesn't. What's the worst that would happen if I just refused to move from under the sheets and slept all day? I might lose my shitty job. I might get evicted from this shitty apartment. My roommate might actually hate me more than she already must. But all of that is temporary anyhow. And I don't really care.
Some mornings I wake up full of life, ready to face the world. Other times, I hit the snooze a billion times and try to sleep the world away, only to give into responsibility and pull myself up. Either way, but the end of the day, I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd just stayed there.
I might even lose weight if I just slept all day and didn't eat. I might even dream of something good. Nothing good ever _really_ happens.
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| it's been a while, but i'm still in Hell (really long update) |
[20 Dec 2003|10:33pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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"vapor transmission" - orgy |
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Brother came to visit for a few days, during which I didn't purge once. I still ate like a pig though and now I'm more of a fatass than ever. Drank 2/3s of a bottle of vodka last night, b/p'd, and then drank until I puked again. And again. And finally passed out. Felt like shit all day. Am taking some sober time.
Should have dieted today. I did, until about 6:30, when I went over ot the sushi place and ordered 3 rolls - $30 worth of food (money I don't have...) So much that they stuck two sets of chopsticks in the to-go bag. X_x I was starving. I hadn't really eaten all day, due the hangover totally killing my appetite. Didn't purge (couldn't, and besides, sushi never makes me feel sickly full). Feel like a cow now. Weighed 137 this afternoon. Didn't weigh myself this morning (hang over had me too close to dying to care). Need to be 127. Need to be 117. 137 is BAD.
( how is it i'm still here? )
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[14 Dec 2003|07:19pm] |
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mood |
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good, but cause of rum |
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music |
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"fallen" - evanescence |
] |
Ate "normally"* today. Don't really feel bad about it. No matter what I do, I'm always a fat ass the next day - whether I starve or eat or b/p. So what difference does it make? Am currently staring at the bathroom, telling myself that I'm too tired and my throat is too sore to purge dinner. I'm refusing. My stomach is thoroughly confused by being full.
*by "normally" I mean I restricted until I got home from work. Got hungry, hate all the food that I have. Went up to the Thai place and got Pad Thai. Came home, poured a Caribbean Coke (Diet Vanilla Coke + Malibu Rum), and ate the entire entree (meant to stop but didn't get full - I'm pretty sure I just don't get full). But did not binge. Am resisting the urge to binge.
Didn't even buy Rice Dream today because having it means I can binge on cereal. Don't want to binge anymore.
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[13 Dec 2003|10:12pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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"why..." - hamasaki ayumi |
] |
I feel like shit. Physically, mentally, you name it. And it's mostly my fault, like usual.
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[13 Dec 2003|12:18am] |
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mood |
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gross |
] |
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music |
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"love chronicle" - changin' my life |
] |
I'm a fat blob. So what do I do? Restrict all day and then at 9 pm, pull out all of the chocolate I have left from various binge purchases and eat it all. Of course, even though I drank tons of diet coke, barely anything came back up. *sigh*
At least now I'm officially out of binge food. I'm refusing to buy _any_. I can't afford it, financially or healthwise. But I'm even afraid to buy more rice dream for fear that I'll binge on cereal. (But I want Special K...) Gah. Why is having food around so difficult? Why can't I keep my promise not to b/p?
I swear, that Bulimia: Guide to Recovery is more triggering than it is helpful. I make the mistake of reading it when I'm try *not* to binge and end up doing it anyway. Useless book.
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[12 Dec 2003|04:09pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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"transatlanticsim" - death cab |
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Ugh. Drank Jamba Juice, even though it's fucking cold out. And just ate 3 hershey's kisses, too. I'm already at 975 calories and it's only 4! GAH!
Taken from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) nur_misur
NOW:
Current height: 5'4"
Current weight: 135.5 (I'm a cow mooooo)
Highest weight: 196
Lowest weight: 133 (have never been thin - bah)
TARGETS:
Your healthy weight target: 125
Your personal ideal weight: 119
Your role model for a perfect weight: Buffy and the cast of BtVS, all of those tiny Japanese pop singers
BACKGROUND:
Have you ever cut yourself, harmed yourself or abused pills? yeah
What were your eating habits like as a child? was a binge eater after school for years cause I was home alone or bored - always been COE
Were you overweight as a child? yeah, I was the fat kid
When was the first time you dieted severely? when I was 15 I lost 20 pounds one summer by dieting privately, but gained it all back after school started
EATING HABITS/ EXERCISE PATTERNS:
What is your favourite food? sushi, pizza, coffee, cereal, rum (it's a food), deserts of any kind
Do you ever induce vomiting? If so, how often do you do this on average in a week? Sadly, yeah. Frequency changes. Sadly, it averages out to about every other day.
Do you binge eat? If so, what are the usual reasons causing this behaviour in you? Yes. You name it, it causes a binge - depression, loneliness, fear, stress, anger, etc. etc.
Do you fast? I can't. It just makes me binge.
If so, what is the longest you have gone without food? Not long enough.
Did you find it enjoyable? No. I just get dizzy and cranky.
How does depression affect your eating habits? It makes me eat (I wish I lost my appetite.)
If you drink alcohol, what are your drinking habits like? I tend to drink to get drunk, I tend to have problems stopping because I get scared of sobering up.
What do you like to do for exercise? treadmill, eliptical machine, stair master. and I have no car, so I walk everywhere.
How often on average do you exercise in a week? Daily.
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| nyo? |
[12 Dec 2003|10:59am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
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music |
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"myself" - changin' my life |
] |
135.5
Apparently the secret to weight loss is to eat piles of fried food and then sit on your ass until 3 am. I really don't understand how I can gain weight on good days and then totally pig out and gain. It makes no sense! Someone explain it to me!
At any rate, this low weight (ha - well, low for this past month), means I can still have Jamba Juice today. On Fridays I ride the bus to the bank to deposit my paycheck and there's a Jamba nearby. So I guess I can allow myself one.
I'm still baffled.
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[12 Dec 2003|01:15am] |
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mood |
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fat and blob-like |
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music |
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"never ever" - ayumi hamasaki |
] |
Big fat ass. Scale said 137 this morning, even though I was good yesterday. After all of the crap I've eaten today (including a ton of greasy fatty Chinese food), I'm sure it will be higher tomorrow. Ugh. (Attempted to purge Chinese after eating far too much of it, even though I ate with the intention of keeping it down. Barely managed to get anything up--damn grease is like glue--and now my throat is raw to on top of it all.)
Even sitting here now, I feel like a blob. I feel fatter than I've felt in weeks, even at weights of 139 and 140. I can just feel the gobs of fat around my middle and on my thighs. My stomach just feels like a huge balloon of fat attatch to my center. Blech.
Never want to eat again. But I always say that.
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| no matter how i may wish for a coffin so clean... |
[09 Dec 2003|09:38pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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"fevers & mirrors" - bright eyes |
] |
Drunk again.
Don't really care. I'll never be good enough. I'll always be too fat, too ugly, and too gross to be loved. I'll always be alone. May as well be fat and drunk. Being sober is so worthless. Being is so worthless. .
It's too hard to keep existing when things just keep slapping you in the face. I'm not one of thsoe Lucky Blessed Happy Ones who have things go right for them, over and over, almost miraculously. Instead, I am bitter and lonely and very very tired of the monotonious trap of it all. There are no answerrs. No reasons. There is nothing but misery, pain, emptiness, and a big black void in my soul that constantly reminds me I have no purpose. I have nothing to live for. I have no one to live for. I am useless.
I would die except....
....I hate this place too much to die here....
........if i could get to the ocean, i might jsut jump in....
............but then agian, i might just fall into a bottle and sink there. the rocks are already in my pockets....
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[09 Dec 2003|09:51am] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
] |
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music |
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"purple sky" - pierrot |
] |
135.5
Would be nice to keep going lower. *sigh* I wish I wasn't such an idiot.
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[08 Dec 2003|08:37pm] |
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mood |
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shaky hungry freakingout AGH |
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music |
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tool |
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At 950 calories and starving. Want to eat so badly, especially because when I got back from the gym I couldn't even stop shaking. But I deserve to suffer. So maybe I won't eat at all. I don't care. I'm so sick of thinking. I've never wanted to drugs in my life. Ever. Until now. I just want something to take away my brain. I'm tired of thinking.
Roommate was home when I got back from working out. Shaking and trembling, I ran into my room and shut the door. When I had stopped shaking enough to think, I went out for water and she jumped me. "I haven't found a roomie yet, so you can stay through Jan," she said. And I should, you know, because it looks like I'll have to quit my job (it's temporary, but it's not gonna end for a while I guess) and I sitll have no where to go. But even so, even with all that stress, I can't do this. I can't be stuck in the apartment all of the time, trapped like a rat, unable to get to anything but work. I'm 21, damn it. I should be out partying and drinking and going to clubs and shows and movies - not sitting on my ass drinking alone because the bus system in miramesa sucks ASS.
I refuse. It's driving me mad. I'm more depressed than I've ever been and that's saying something.
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[08 Dec 2003|10:34am] |
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mood |
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oink oink (and stressed) |
] |
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music |
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"uwaki na honey pie" - country musume |
] |
137.5
I swear, my body stays its fat self and never changes, but my scale just picks a random number between 135 and 139 to show me.
( My day sucked yesterday... )
Country Musume is my new thinspiration. I just saw the PV for "Senpai! Love again" and the girls are all have these cute outfits with their middrifts showing. They're all so thin and tiny! Why couldn't I have been born Japanese?
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[07 Dec 2003|08:40pm] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
] |
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music |
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"pull me under" - dream theater |
] |
Drinking, quite a bit. Binged and purged in a mannor that could make Romans green with envy - and they invented bulimia. Oh yes, oh yes.
Stopped eating. Done puking. Still drinking. Will hate the scale tomorrow. Will not eat for days. Will be sorry. Right now, am pretty good.
This is how you destroy yourself when you have no self left to destroy.
( On a side note... )
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[06 Dec 2003|10:44pm] |
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mood |
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dirty |
] |
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music |
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"scarlet" - iwao junko |
] |
Well, after working out, my throat felt better. I think it was just psychosamatic. I made it feel better so I could justify binging. Really, I just couldn't avoid it. I tried. I walked back and forth from my computer to food several times and then just gave in. Ate a disgusting disgusting horrid amount of crap (dinner, plus mass quanities of junk food and cheese toast) and then purged. THink I got most of it up. Am freaked out by the idea of the scale tomorrow.
Am exhausted by life in general. I have 25 days to figure out where I'm moving and making actual arrangements and I don't even care enough to start looking. I don't want to go anywhere new and I don't really like anywhere I've been except Seattle (I liked the city, just had a bad situation). So I guess that's where I'll go. But I'm not too thrilled. It's always the same anyhow. I always feel like shit.
And it never gets better. It never improves. I don't know if I should bother trying anymore.
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[06 Dec 2003|06:09pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
] |
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music |
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"paradox" - pierrot |
] |
I'm so lonely. There are parties going on all around the apartment complex - people out on their porches playing cards, loud music, lots of drinking. I want to be at a party. I hate sititng here alone, in this big apartment, all by myself. None of the parties are big enough that I could crash (they all seem to be like 5 or 6 people), not that I'd have the guts to do that anyhow.
It's probably a good thing my throat is still really sore, I'd probably be eating everything in sight. I have the biggest urge to binge! Ugh. I've only had 800 calories today, too, but I just want to EAT. And eat and eat and eat and never stop.
I just don't want to sit here alone. I'm going to go work out soon, but I'm scared that if I go, as soon as I leave my friend (only one down where I am) will call and want to do something. I have that kind of rotten luck. But I don't know why I'm worried - I doubt he will.
Stupid Saturday night. I wish I had a life.
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[06 Dec 2003|08:02am] |
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mood |
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cold |
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music |
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"the calendar hung itself" - bright eyes |
] |
It's sick how I'm really starting to like the feeling of my stomach rumbling. I don't know why - I used to hate it and use it as a self-torture. Now I'm all masochistic.
135.5 - thank the God and Goddess. Not being able ot purge really helps prevent overeating - it's not safe to even *try* when I can't throw it up. I'm still really sick and yucky though. I want to get better.
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[05 Dec 2003|08:50pm] |
1300 calories, there abouts. To avoid an all-out binge, I had two tootsie pops (which I only have because my mom sent me a box of stuff I'd left at home and including piles of candy as well. bah).
So that's it for today. Hopefully with more food, I'll get over this cold and actually get some sleep tonight.
Still depressed. Still hate my life.
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[05 Dec 2003|07:15pm] |
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mood |
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dying, slowlybutitshappening |
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music |
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bright eyes |
] |
I feel like such shit. There are never reasons anymore. I just don't want to be alive. All I do is waste space.
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| cause it's too important to stay the way it's been |
[05 Dec 2003|05:05pm] |
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mood |
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still sick, super depressed |
] |
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music |
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"title and registration" - death cab for cutie |
] |
Went to Jamba Juice today and got a Razzmatazz with a Bunrer Boost. I wonder if that actually does any good? But like a pig, I got an "original" size instead of the small one (the 16 oz cup looks so tiny next to the "originaL" size... so I couldn't resist), which put me somewhere near 1000 calories. (I always round up, which I figure helps me out someout.) I'll probably let myself have 1200 today because I'm still sick and I've been so active. And I really want soup tonight. But I'll wait and see if I even get hungry after I work out. *shrug*
Bigelow rules. They make all sorts of wonderful teas, including Vanilla Hazelnut and Vanilla Carmel - mmmm.
I couldn't sleep last night. I just tossed and turned. When I did doze off, I dreamt about food. How wrong is that? It's good that my throat is still totally crappy or I know I'd b/p tonight. I'm really lonely and tired. I really want to go see The Last Samurai but I can't get to a theater without a car (and the buses stop running out in MiraMesa Hell around 6 pm). Bah. I even bought binge food today during my trip to the store. You know you have an eating disorder when you buy tea, fat free yogurt, and then a bunch of junk food. *_* I'm sure the store clerks think I'm raving mad. But I don't even want the food I bought - it's just like I need to have it around. Like if in the next few days I just NEED to binge, I need to know there's junk food around.
On a side note (because my entries couldn't be any longer), I think I heard my roommate throwing up last night. Maybe I'm paranoid or just obsessed with purging. But she always leaves around 10 or so, I assume to go to the gym. Anyhow, last night I crawled into bed around midnight and she came in. It sounded like she had plastic bags (from the rustling) with her. Then it sounded like she was in the kitchen for a bit and then retreated into her room. Not long after, I swear I wretching in her bathroom (which is adjacent to my room). Then she took a "shower" and I think I heard more pukey noises. Is it possible my roommate is also bulimic? Wouldn't that be weird? Or am I just projecting my problems onto others?
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